Scientists Discover Mondays Are Caused by an Unfinished Software Update
Researchers say the week’s least popular day is not a day at all, but a planetary patch that has been stuck at 97% since the dawn of the calendar.
LOWER SNOOZEBURY — Scientists at the entirely fictional Institute for Temporal Maintenance announced on Monday that Mondays are not, as long believed, a day of the week. They are a software update for the planet, and it has never finished installing.
“Every seven days, the Earth tries to apply the patch, fails at 97 per cent and rolls everything back,” said Dr. Wendy Kettlebrook, the institute’s Head of Calendar Debugging. “That sluggish feeling around 9 a.m.? That’s your body waiting for a progress bar that isn’t moving.”
The team traced the fault to a line of code written at the very beginning of time, labelled only “TODO: fix later.” An institute survey found that 112 per cent of people agree Mondays feel slower, a figure researchers called “statistically impossible, emotionally accurate.”
Engineers have proposed several fixes, including turning the week off and on again, but warn that a full restart could take up to two weekends. Until then, the public is advised not to close any important tabs, especially the one marked “Coffee.”
At press time, a pop-up had appeared over Tuesday asking everyone to rate their Monday experience out of five.
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